Soundtrack

I have a soundtrack.

It's called "Tidy Up," and I regret that you can't buy it at your local FYE or on I-Tunes because it's freakin' awe-some.

"Tidy Up" is my personal compilation of rock 'em sock 'em songs that help me bust a move as I clean me casa pequena in a fashion muy rapido. My lucky ball and chain was good enough to burn it for me, much like a disco inferno.

Why? Oh, Peter Cotton Tail, we've been down this bunny trail before: Because I'm down with ADD, and I struggle to focus on the job to be done without being distracted by objects both bright and shiny.

Thankfully, my dear mother figured out something when I was a wee lass that helped me to tune in to the task at hand: If she turned everything into a game, I did it - Fast! Be it brushing my teething or making my bed, it was all a race, which mysteriously I somehow always won.

As I no longer live with my parents, I have determined a means by which to harness my power of competition by trying to beat something else:

Songs.

Can I get the bed made and the random pile-o-clothes folded and put away before Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back is over? There is only one way to find out...

Here are some of the greatest "Tidy Up" hits:

Holiday by Green Day
Hey Ya by OutKast
Beating Hearts Baby by Head Automatica
Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol
Your Love is Better Than Life by The Newsboys
Here it Goes Again by OK Go (still one of the cleverest music videos ever!)
Lump by The Presidents of the United States of America
You Spin Me Right Round (Like a Record) by Dead or Alive

My suggestion? Make yourself a cleaning CD and crank that baby up. Can you get your dishwasher loaded before the Spice Girls finish singing "Wannabe?"

There is really only one way to find out.

Substitutions, please

Prepare for jealousy.

I have a Tupperware Citrus Peeler.

It's true. It's the only tupper I ware. And I love it. It does the job and it's super sturdy, too.

I know this because I accidentally dropped mine in the parking lot behind the Double Decker Coffee Coffee Co in downtown Asheville...and then ran over it with my car. When I found it the next day, it was a bit dinged, but totally intact. Take that, Nalgene!!!

Anywho, thanks to its peel-piercing goodness, I no longer have to use my claws to dig trenches in citrus skin. That's right - no more residual rind residue beneath these nails, Nancy - I've got the tool to kick any pomelo's peel!

You see, I'm not one of these die-hard "if it wuz good enuf fer my momma it's good enuf fer me" types. Being a teachable gal sans a southern twang, if I find something that works better than what I have been using, I will totally make a substitution.

So, in honor of the 43rd Bowl of Super and Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl, here is a listy list of some o' my favorite substitutions:

-E-cards for paper cards : saves you money, saves the planet, & saves your butt when you forget someone's birthday.
-Canvas bags for plastic bags : tests the skills of your grocery bagger & are sturdier to boot.
-Binder clips for chip clips : office supplies with culinary skeeells.
-Real maple syrup for (insert syrup name here) : just better in every way.
-Spinach for romaine : contains calcium, something my body needs any way. . . I like that.
-Correction tape for white out : addictive without the sniffing.
-One part hydrogen peroxide/one part water for whitening strips : whitens teeth & freshens breath on the cheap. Jus' swish and spit!
-Microfiber dish clothes for sponges : easier to clean with & easy to clean.
-Butter for margarine : yet another way to avoid eating plastic.
-Scour pads for steel wool: no more dishwashing induced rust splinters.
-One classic purse for twelve trendy bags : Lasts for-ev-er & no more outfit dependant content swappage.
-Hankies for tissues : okay, so maybe what was good enough for my mother IS good enough for me.

And, unlike the Super Bowl/Puppy Bowl, I managed to do it without advertising specific brands. Unless, of course, you count my one piece o' tupper.

Donde esta la biblioteca?

Speaking of taking a trip to your local library, I have to share one of my favorite public library finds.

And no, I am not talking about the time I checked out "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy, which is freakin' hilarious yo, and you should totally read it, but only if you have an internal bleepidy bleeper, cuz that gal cusses like a sailor.

Truth be told, this blog has nothing to do with actually going to the library. Neither does it have anything to do with being preggers, so put a cork in it, Zane and stop being such a gossip girl! I'm not pregnant.

It has to do with calling the library. Specifically the "Library Storyline For Kids."

Now, stay with me.

For some wonderful reason, the Friends of the Buncombe County Libraries has a free 24-hour phone number you can call to hear a prerecorded children's story read to you, voices and all.

And who doesn't need one of those sometimes, I ask you?

This week's story is "Snow Buntings Lullaby" from "Tuck-Me-In-Tales" by Margaret MacDonald. I'm pretty sure that this one is a rerun, but who cares? You get to hear a wonderfully crazy lady read you a bedtime story about a baby bird whose mommy sings him to sleep, only to have the song stolen by a naughty raven...

I don't want to give away the ending, though. You'll just have to call and find out for yourself.

828-251-5437

One last teaser: "Whose little toes are these? Whose little wings are these? Whose little beak is this? Are you asleep?"

Reso-My-Lution Part II

Have you ever noticed that some of the people in your life haven't changed a bit?

I have a theory about them. Brace yourself.

They are illiterate.

Not illiterate in the sense that they cannot read, but illiterate in the sense that they do not read.

And I'm not talking about reading e-mails or magazines or incredibly inspiring blogs written by itsy bitsy girls from North Cacalacky. I'm talking about reading an entire grown-up book from cover-to cover. They ain't doin' it.

How did I come up with this theory? Like I said in my previous blog: I steals 'em! Well, more like I do a dorky word problem.

I heard about a study that revealed that very few Americans read an entire book cover-to-cover after they graduate from high school. This excludes cell phone manuals and "Hop on Pop."

I added to that a paraphrased quote by an oh-fer-smart dead guy, John Wesley, "The person you will be a year from now is determined by the books that you read and the people that you hang out with."

And voila! Those high school friends who seem to be cryogenically frozen have not picked up a book since they moved their cap tassel from starboard to port.

Hence, another one of my goals this year is to read one book per month. Here's what I've got on the listy list thus far:

January: "48 Days to the Work You Love" by Dan Miller
February: Reread "9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud
March: "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day" by Mark Batterson

So, before this sounds any more like a Reading Rainbow book plug, sail on down to your local library or bookstore and pick up a book today. Duh-dunt-dunt!

Reso-My-Lution Part I

Happy New Years, kiddos! And you know what that means: It's time for New Year's resolutions. Yippee - yet another reason for nerds everywhere to make another listy list!!!

Every year my darling dearest and I perch in front of our previous year's resolutions, basking in the glory of the ones we achieved, and plotting vengeance against the ones that slipped through our fingers. We'll get you next time, goals...next time...

What do we list?

-Things we want to do
-Things we want to own
-Places we want to go

Where do I come up with such insightful inklings? I steals 'em! Okay, so it's not from Bob of Bob's Discount Furniture, you're welcome very much. I totally stole this format from another Bob, aka one of my boyfriends.

So what does 2009 hold for the Varney clan? I'll give you a brief glimpse of my own goals in the hopes you will be inspired to write down some resolutions of your own.

Do:
-read the entire Bible in one year
-learn how to rock climb
-write a stand-up comedy routine
-drive "politely"
-get preggers
Own:
-a new dishwasher
Go to:
-The City Museum

It's very, very important to write your goals down. And it's very, very, very important to create a plan on how you are going to achieve those goals.

How important?

In a famous study of Harvard's class of 1979, researchers found that 10 years after graduation, 3% of the class made 10 times as much money as the other 97% combined. The reason? The 3% had written goals and plans to achieve them.

That's how important.

Would you like borrow my pen?