I Feel Pretty & Witty & Bright!

Do you ever have thoughts that you just can't stop thinking, and you know you won't stop thinking them until you get them out of your head and write down on paper?

No?

Well, too bad because now you are going to be subjected to my listy list of things that have made me prettier than I used to be.

Maybe you think I'm shallow. But, I think you are going to read it anyway because you want to be prettier than you used to be, too! So, what do you think of them apples?

(What in the world could that phrase possibly mean?)

Anywho,

-Exercise: Let's face it - most clothes are made for Amazonian girls who lack both butt and boobs. So I might as well shoot for best two out of three and be able to wear most of it. Or, since they are generally also short and lack the latter two, at least the children's version.

-A padded bra: Speaking of boobs, a good friend once informed me that ladies and gentleman and children of all ages could easily perceive that I was cold...all the time...and not just because my knuckles and knees were purple, neither. It's okay, though, cuz I love makin' mountains out of molehills...

-Not eating everything all the time: The Bible says to pray without ceasing. Well honey, I could eat without ceasing, especially anything involving a chip, be it potato or chocolate. Uh-oh. Let's all pray without ceasing that no one ever invents chocolate chip potato chips!

-ProActiv: It's the only thing I've ever ordered off an infomercial, and it's the only thing that has ever worked for me. Ever. And believe me, I've tried everything.

-Dihydrogen monoxide: What's not to love? It can exist in all three states of matter without much ado, it's the universal solvent, and it makes your pee clear. If that weren't enough, it's so cheap, it's practically free. Break me off a piece of THAT!

-Hydrogen peroxide: Speaking of cheap liquids, I love me the one in the brown bottle. Let's do some chemistry: a half a cap of hydrogen peroxide + a half a cap of dihydrogen monoxide + swish, spit, and rise = pearly whites and fresh breath. Don't believe me? Read the ingredients on those fancy pants tooth whiteners. For real - you should try it.

-Sunscreen: It must be working because my face has yet to even remotely resemble an Italian leather purse.

-Sleep: You'll never know how important it is until you're not getting any. Having had bouts of insomnia that have lasted for months, I can vouch that there is indeed such a thing a “beauty sleep.”

-Waxin' & tweezin': I come from a long line of hobbits. Nuf said.

-Finally figuring out how to do my do: Only the other sistas out there sportin' their jheri curl can sympathize: naturally curly hair is hair is picky and fickle. It's pickle, y'all! And if you don't treat it right, you might as well dye it red and start singin' “Tomorrow!” cuz it's gonna be a hard knock life.

-Wearing clothes that actually fit: As opposed to diving into the size 14 husky pants I used to buy on sale at Gap Kids. True story.

-Jesus: Now, I know that this is the Vacation Bible School answer, but that doesn't make it any less true. There is a beauty and confidence that can only come from knowing that you are right with the Almighty, that He loves you, and that He has amazing things planned for you.

-Learning how to wear makeup: This is not a skill I acquired from momma Olive. I do believe that she is still sportin' the olive green eye shadow and coral lipstick she bought out of guilt upon attending an Avon party in 1974.

-Braces: They fixed my teeth just enough to keep Buffy from slaying me, but not enough for me to be able to bite into a sandwich, or consequently, my finger nails.

-My husband: Let's face it – being in love makes you pretty. Especially if you are in love with a metrosexual who likes to take you dress shopping.

I'm sure that there are many more, but that's about as fer as I can go. If you think of any that I forgot, feel free to share. Because, as my husband and the Care Bears always say, "Sharing is caring." The more you know.