The antique of the future

There was a season when mother was wholly convinced that glass ashtrays were the antique of the future.

So she proceeded to do what anyone would do when faced with a potentially lucrative epiphany: scour yard sales for the aforementioned item and display them proudly on every available inch of coffee table in our home.

Some of the ashtrays were souvenirs of the previous owners nostalgic, nicotine-addicted adventures at such inspiring destinations as "The Salem Witch Museum" or "The Entire State of Arizona." Others were just clear glass dishes with bumps and notches in all the appropriate places.

When my friends would visit, they would inevitably come upon our collection of cigarette butt abodes and wonder out loud, "Who in your family smokes?"

Such a silly, silly question.

"No one. NO ONE in our family smokes!"

And although my mother has since refuted her own hypothesis, the ashtrays continue to dwell somewhere in my childhood home. Why? "Because, they might be worth something someday."

Ah - the pack rats mantra. Let's all recite it together as we hold our Beanie Babies high and sway to the skipping beats of our LPs. "It might be worth something someday..."

We've all got an ashtray collection. And I'll tell you why in two words. Antiques Roadshow.

We are all secretly scared that the family heirloom we never use and we don't even like will one day come back to haunt us. We picture ourselves parting with the item, only to do a double take years later as we are flippin' through the channels. Amidst the mesmerizing parade of miraculously preserved this and one-of-a-kind that to be seen on PBS's Antiques Roadshow, we see someone showing off our ashtray and smirking as they recall the sucker who sold it to them at a yard sale for $0.75.

But here is the problem. Any item, whether you bought it yesterday out of the dollar bin at Target, or your mother has been stewarding it for you since you were blowing bubbles with your own saliva, still has to pass the "keeper test." I've said it before, but it bears repeating. If you don't love it or if you don't use it, it be junk and it ain't a keeper.

Am I harshin' your gig? Groovy, because if you are keeping something because of its potential monetary value, then you don't really own that item at all.

It owns you.

And anything that owns you is your master.

So, shake off them shackles and put that sucker on Ebay, or better yet, give it to someone who will actually flick their butts into it.

Because the only other reasonable option is to go buy yourself a pack of Marlboro Light 100s.