Smoking pot

Hello, my name is Jessica Varney, and I am a girl.

It's true. The testosterone brain bath? Never got one. Totally missed this in utero experience. As a result, I supposedly still have all of these amazing connections remaining between my right and left brain that the distinctly XY chromosome types generally lack.

Supposedly.

Translation: as a girl, I should:

• (a) flake-out on the math portion of the SATs,
• (b) kick booty on the verbal, and
• (c) be the reigning queen of multitasking.

Right. But for me, it's more like a rousing round of "Two Truths and a Lie," because two of those statements are true, while the other is just lies, lies, lies.

(a) In my world, the letter "C" is not just for "Cookie." It's for Trigonometry, Geometry, and anything else remotely metry. So, there is my first truth.

(b) And verbally, I have in fact kicked many a booty. So truth number two? Totally accurate.

(c) But oh, the tragedy of the lie.

I have four burners on my stove. That means that I should be able to cook four things at the same time.

The one time (one time) I did in fact have all four burners pumping, I found out what happens when you steam broccoli without the use of water. The scientific term for what you see coming off of your pot is not "water vapor."

It's "smoke."

And when a pot that you have on your stove is "smoking," that means that it is "hot." And I'm not talking San Antonio minus A/C hot, I'm talking about twenty-seven-million-degrees-at-the-center-of-the-sun-hot.

It was on that day that I scientifically proved that neither counter tops, nor tabletops, nor even three layers of potholders are meant to withstand those levels of radiation. Who knew that a hot pot could turn a pot holder to a pile of ash in mere seconds?

Because I was trying to do too many things at once, I very nearly burned my house down.

So my advice? Maybe it's time to slow down there, Speed Racer, before you muck things up.

How many hot burners are you cooking on?