Just Say "No"

stuff
Noun

1. any collection of unnamed things
2. substance or material
3. a disease common to the packimus ratimus, characterized by a colossal collection of unnamed things made of substance or material

Have you ever noticed that certain people have a knack for knickknacks? They seem to naturally attract "stuff." As the north end attracts the south end of a magnet, as a proton attracts an electron, or as an Asheville hippie attracts a Volkswagen bus, a Nalgene water bottle, and a banjo.

Well, never fear! After a lifetime of research, I have discovered the cause of this dreaded disease.

It's called "Yes."

The reason that so many packamus ratimi have such an abundance of stuff is that they have become a dumping ground for all of their brother's, neighbor's, and brother's neighbor's gobbledeegook. They're jest a gurl (or boy) who cain't say "no."

So, if the disease is caused by "yes" and the cure may be found in "no," how do we teach our friends and loved ones to embrace the "no"? Here are some things that you can do to help.

1. Don't give them any more stuff. If you do, you are officially what 12-step programs refer to as an "enabler." If you must give them something, give them something perishable, like a box of Godiva chocolates. Or, if that is still too much for them to handle, give me a box of Godiva chocolates.
2. If they try to give their stuff to you, receive it with a smile and a "thank you" and then... promptly take it to Goodwill.
3. Unless, of course, you yourself are a packimus ratimus, in which case "Just Say No" to the substances that are being offered to you. If need be, you may call your sponsor for moral support.
4. Engage them in mediation, or what my hubby refers to as "positive manipulation." This is where you lovingly plant sneaky little seeds of "no" in their mind regarding their stuff or their potential stuff. For example, "Mom, having a giant Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pin hanging on your kitchen wall isn't quirky. It's tacky and weird."
5. Finally, if you are a packimus ratimi, let the cycle of addiction stop with you. Admit that you need help, and seek the assistance of a trained professional. Don't allow this disease to be passed along to the next generation.

King Kong and the Almighty List

An old friend of mine has a brother who was obsessed with King Kong. It's all he could think about. King Kong, King Kong, King Kong. The words echoed endlessly around in his head.

We've all been guilty of King Konging. There is that important something we need to remember to do, that crucial item that we must buy the next time we are at the place we buy things, and that certain place we are supposed to be on a certain day at a certain time to meet a certain person.

These thoughts hit you without warning, like a run by fruiting.

You see the plant. The plant is wilting. Poor, poor plant. If only someone would water the plant. Water the plant, water the plant, water the plant...

What am I going to make for dinner? Meatball grinders. But wait, I'm out of spaghetti sauce! Spaghetti sauce, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti sauce...

It's her birthday? Why didn't she tell me! How am I supposed to get her a card with a whoopee cushion in it if she doesn't let me know! I can't forget again! December 10th, December 10th, December 10th...

Are you catchin' my Frisbee? You are?

Well, never fear! The Almighty List is here!

All you need to do to take your King Konging captive is WRITE IT DOWN! And not on something that you are gonna lose, wash, or blot your lipstick on either.

Put it in its home, for Pete and Pete's sake. In your Palm Pilot, in your day timer, on your listy list list paper. As a fellow King Konger, I love me some lists and here are some reasons why you should love lists, too.

1. A list saves you time by answering the one question that of all my fellow seniles ask themselves upon entering a room: "What did I come in here for again?"
2. A list saves you money because you won't have to wander around the big box store pretending to look purposeful as you wrestle with the aforementioned question. We all know that as you do, you will inevitably fill your buggy with all kinds of things you never knew you needed before. All I can say is Sham Wow!
3. A list gives priority. Rank the things on your list so that when you find yourself wondering what you should do next, you can just remember what my favorite Spice Girl Elizabeth Elliot would say: "Do the next thing."
4. A list gives you focus. Hey, look at that bright and shiny object! Exactly. See why you need the list?
5. But, most importantly, a list saves you from yourself. It clears your mind, eliminates "King Konging," and helps you to accomplish the task at hand.

So, stop whatever it is that you are doing, and make a list! Unless, of course, it is not the next thing listed on your listy list list...

The tardy of my party

I inherited many things from my parents: a Roman nose from my dad, a tendency toward risque commentary from my mom , and hobbit hair from both of them.

However, I also acquired their addiction to tardiness.

Tardiness an addiction? Heck, yeah! Anything that you do repeatedly for a high is a drug of choice, my fellow junkie.

No amount of tisking or scolding ("Being late is being selfish because you are essentially saying that your time is more important than everyone else's time!") could break me of my habit. And though my level of lateness might be viewed as much improved over my family as I tend to be only minutes as opposed to hours late for things, late is late no matter what the time frame.

So, one of my goals for 2008 was to be on time. And something that I have learned about goal setting is that there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Done right, goals can be a blessing, bringing focus and purpose to my days. But done wrong, it becomes a burden, bringing all of the guilt, self-condemnation, and frustration associated with the New England variety of the Roman Catholic faith.

So, how does one do it right? Along with your goals, you need to outline what-the-poo-you-are-going-to-do in order to achieve the goals. And as it turns out, everything you really needed to know you totally learned in, you guessed it, Kindergarten.

So, here are my Top 5 Tips For Getting Yourself Safely and Stylingly Out o' yo' Pad in the Wee Small Hours of the Morning. Here's a hint: It has everything to do with what you did the day before.

1. Set out your school clothes. Pre-assembling an outfit to wear to work in the PM = your socks will actually match in the AM. Yay-you can dress yourself!
2. Pack your play clothes. These are for a little game I like to call, "Using my fear of getting fat to motivate myself to move keester in such a way and at such a rate as to cause all of the water inside my body to relocate to the outside" aka exercising. Get your gym clothes together lest the coach make you borrow someone else's.
3. Make your lunch. To make a lunch requires food. This may necessitate going shopping for Lunchables and juice boxes, as well as procuring yourself a "My Little Pony" lunchbox to put it in. And if you don't have one, I'll let you borrow mine.
4. Prep your sippy cup. It could be coffee, a water bottle, or a dirty martini with dry vermouth and an olive. Just get your drinky poo ready, alright?
5. Set out your Flintstones Chewables. In other words, divvy out your mornin' meds. I have a jumbo-sized senior citizen drug dealer in which I put my daily supplements. 10 million strong and growing!

Now, to wrap it all up in a neat little bow, set all of the non-perishables and non-wearishables you need to accompany out of the house by the front door - your play clothes, purse/manbag, can of Tang, etc. That way as you run out the door to catch the big yellow school bus, you won't leave home without it.

Now have fun, learn lots, and play nice with the other kids.

Yet another shameless plug

I don't even pretend to know what the boys are talking about as I sit in on my honey's Podcast, Chicken Pop Pod. Check it, yo'!