I Feel Pretty & Witty & Bright!

Do you ever have thoughts that you just can't stop thinking, and you know you won't stop thinking them until you get them out of your head and write down on paper?

No?

Well, too bad because now you are going to be subjected to my listy list of things that have made me prettier than I used to be.

Maybe you think I'm shallow. But, I think you are going to read it anyway because you want to be prettier than you used to be, too! So, what do you think of them apples?

(What in the world could that phrase possibly mean?)

Anywho,

-Exercise: Let's face it - most clothes are made for Amazonian girls who lack both butt and boobs. So I might as well shoot for best two out of three and be able to wear most of it. Or, since they are generally also short and lack the latter two, at least the children's version.

-A padded bra: Speaking of boobs, a good friend once informed me that ladies and gentleman and children of all ages could easily perceive that I was cold...all the time...and not just because my knuckles and knees were purple, neither. It's okay, though, cuz I love makin' mountains out of molehills...

-Not eating everything all the time: The Bible says to pray without ceasing. Well honey, I could eat without ceasing, especially anything involving a chip, be it potato or chocolate. Uh-oh. Let's all pray without ceasing that no one ever invents chocolate chip potato chips!

-ProActiv: It's the only thing I've ever ordered off an infomercial, and it's the only thing that has ever worked for me. Ever. And believe me, I've tried everything.

-Dihydrogen monoxide: What's not to love? It can exist in all three states of matter without much ado, it's the universal solvent, and it makes your pee clear. If that weren't enough, it's so cheap, it's practically free. Break me off a piece of THAT!

-Hydrogen peroxide: Speaking of cheap liquids, I love me the one in the brown bottle. Let's do some chemistry: a half a cap of hydrogen peroxide + a half a cap of dihydrogen monoxide + swish, spit, and rise = pearly whites and fresh breath. Don't believe me? Read the ingredients on those fancy pants tooth whiteners. For real - you should try it.

-Sunscreen: It must be working because my face has yet to even remotely resemble an Italian leather purse.

-Sleep: You'll never know how important it is until you're not getting any. Having had bouts of insomnia that have lasted for months, I can vouch that there is indeed such a thing a “beauty sleep.”

-Waxin' & tweezin': I come from a long line of hobbits. Nuf said.

-Finally figuring out how to do my do: Only the other sistas out there sportin' their jheri curl can sympathize: naturally curly hair is hair is picky and fickle. It's pickle, y'all! And if you don't treat it right, you might as well dye it red and start singin' “Tomorrow!” cuz it's gonna be a hard knock life.

-Wearing clothes that actually fit: As opposed to diving into the size 14 husky pants I used to buy on sale at Gap Kids. True story.

-Jesus: Now, I know that this is the Vacation Bible School answer, but that doesn't make it any less true. There is a beauty and confidence that can only come from knowing that you are right with the Almighty, that He loves you, and that He has amazing things planned for you.

-Learning how to wear makeup: This is not a skill I acquired from momma Olive. I do believe that she is still sportin' the olive green eye shadow and coral lipstick she bought out of guilt upon attending an Avon party in 1974.

-Braces: They fixed my teeth just enough to keep Buffy from slaying me, but not enough for me to be able to bite into a sandwich, or consequently, my finger nails.

-My husband: Let's face it – being in love makes you pretty. Especially if you are in love with a metrosexual who likes to take you dress shopping.

I'm sure that there are many more, but that's about as fer as I can go. If you think of any that I forgot, feel free to share. Because, as my husband and the Care Bears always say, "Sharing is caring." The more you know.

Yet Another Reason That Barney Sucketh

Do you remember that song that Barney used to sing, "The Song That Never Ends?" No? Well, allow me to refresh your memory:

This is the song that never ends.
Yes, it goes on and on my friends.
Some people started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because this the song that never ends..."

Now before you get all hatin' on me for getting that catchy tune lodged in your cranium, I will tell you a story.

The other day, my hubby finally finished editing all the pics on our digital camera. I thought to myself, "What a relief! Now we can check this suckuh off of the "To Do" list and move on with our lives!"

But, when I went to cross it off, I realized that I couldn't actually check it off. I could only modify it to "Order the pictures."

And after we ordered the pictures, somebody had to pick them up, and then sort them chronologically, and put them in the scrapbook, but we ran out of glue, so I had to buy a glue stick, and then we ran out of room in the scrapbook, so I had to buy a new scrapbook and then...

Doesn't it ever seem like the more you do, the more you have to do?

I once read that the "To Do" list is a modern day rendition of the story of Sisyphus. To refresh your memory from your 7th grade studies of Greek mythology, Sisyphus was a king whose punishment was to roll a boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and be forced to repeat this task for eternity. Today, the word Sisyphean is used to describe doing something that is unending, repetitive, or unfulfilling.

And now for the question: What tasks in your life are unending, repetitive, unfulfilling, and just plain Sisyphean?

Now, before you get all Greek tragedy on me, here is a ray-of-light.

Unlike Sisyphus, you have a choice.

You don't have to roll that boulder up the hill if you don't want to. Is this a task that you actually have to do, like paying your power bill, or something that you feel you should do, like maintaining a scrap book? If it's not necessary, and it's not bringing you fulfillment, stop doing it!

Also, as with "The Song That Never Ends," there was a point where some people started singing it. So, before you roll that boulder, think about the consequences.

Do you really want to start singing that song?

Dishin' out the dirt

I teach kids about dirt.

It's true. I teach 1st and 3rd graders about soil. They get to touch 4 different types of soil with their hands, look at them with their eyes, sniff them with their noses, and listen to them with their ears. They even get to learn all about the four ingredients that make the perfect soil, and then right there before their very eyes, we actually make the perfect soil.

And the kids cheer.

Loudly.

Every time.

I'm not gonna lie to you - it's pretty magical.

A couple of weeks ago, I took my show on the road. I drove an hour and a half away to teach 100 kids about soil. When I got there, I realized I had forgotten something.

My dirt.

Did I mention I was over an hour away from my museum?

Now, before you get so sweaty palmed that we could grow rice in your hands, I was able to improvise with some sand and clay I just happened to have on me.

But here is the question: How could this have happened to a seasoned professional like myself?

Let's get all Nancy Drew and investigate the evidence at the scene of the crime.

You see, that same weekend my honey and I were co-hosting a party, so I had to remember to borrow the card tables from the museum, and then the following Monday I was scheduled to teach a new program on the constellations of the ecliptic, and so I needed to remember to bring home the lesson plan, card stock, laminating sheets, and laminating machine. And then "this shark chased us, and we tried to, but we couldn't, and he 'Grrr!' and we 'Whoa!' and then we were safe. But then this seagull came and it was, 'This is this and that is that...'"

I had too much going on.

And it's in those times that I often forget about the most important things, like being nice to my husband, calling to say I will be late for an important appointment, spending time with my God, and even packing a ginormous orange tote full of soil.

And I know you. You're busy, too.

So I'd challenge you to pause a moment and ask yourself: Got dirt?

The Best Laid Plans OR Spontaneous Combustion

The first science day camp I ever ran was well-planned. And by God we stuck to that plan. And at the end of camp the kids were...well...completely exhausted. And so was I.

Since that first camp, I have learned that sometimes...most times...fine, nearly all the time things are not going to go according to my plans. Especially when one is trying to herd twenty excited 7-9 year olds who are hyped up on Yogos and Capri Suns. Things are inevitably gonna happen that I could NEVER have planned for. And then I have to do something I was not originally wired to do: Be "spontaneous" and "flexible."

That being said, we recently had a snow day here in Downtown Asheville aka the driest region in the entire state of North Carolina (scientifically speaking). My plans for the day - doing my usual educational stand-up comedy shtick for elementary school children - were completely kaput. So what's a Connecticut Yankee living at the top of an icy hill to do?

I'll tell you what.

I found me some long johns, a cookie sheet, and a friend just crazy enough to join me and proceeded to tear up my corduroy pants, give myself road burn on my belly, and scream with laughter as I flew all the way down that icy hill.

That's what.

And it was so worth it.

Tongue

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

HA!

Whoever came up with that pile o' poo must have a clothing budget dedicated solely to trousers, because they be a lyin' and their pants be a burnin'.

Words are powerful.

And here is where it gets scary. We all have tongues.

All of us.

So, it's really up to us, isn't it?

Please check out this short film, Validation.

Because free parking really can change your life.